Antica Trattoria

By GREG MAFFETT | Published: January 14, 2011

"I can't believe people live out here, where are we?"

"East County, La Mesa maybe." she said as she gazed out the passenger window slightly less lost than I.

"Look at these places, nothing but condo's crowding the freeway, you sure there is a restaurant out here?"

"Best Italian place within 50 miles. Great pork loin, really tender. The Italian Sausage is intensely flavored yet balanced."

"Union Trib food review?"

"Alice Q"

Snap. "Should a known, she knows every hole in the wall in the county"

We pull off the freeway. I get a sinking feeling in my stomach. Oh my. I have been here before. I look over and see that Mary has leaned her seat back almost into the trunk.

"I've told you a hundred times, leave your seat up. My wife will think I'm dating a fat chick. Or a chula."

"So she knows and she's ok with this?"

"It comes with the territory. But she can't bear to think that I'm dating down, so yeah a fat chick or a brown chick, no way. Can't you just sit up like a skinny white girl?"

"Have you every tried to sit up when you were 8 and a half months pregnant?"

"You keep leaning on that pregnant thing like you were the first mistress in the world ever to get preggers. I thought you were made out of better stuff, lass."

"Well perhaps you were wrong."

"Me, hrmm. I guess anything is possible...oh no!"


"Oh no, I've been here before. That condo complex on the right. Used to ball a chick there, short chick, crazy as a loon, but tight, even tight for a short chick. What was her name?"

"Mary! Every chick you ball is Mary remember? You do that so you don't confuse the names."

"Oh right, I do have a system." I said, relaxing a bit.

"So why do you have to bring this other chick up while I'm in this condition? You want to stop in, say hi?"

"Nah, it was you know, it just jumped into my head and out of my mouth."

"Still leaning on that excuse?"

"Fuck you!" I said. Ok, so I'm not that relaxed.

"Fuck you-Oh wait, wait, wait! Bad idea Joe, really bad idea."

"Huh?" Sometimes I really couldn't follow her.

"We can't have make-up sex, not like this."

"Oh come on babe, a little sugar? The parts still work don't they?"

"You know what you are like, the kid will come out with a head like a Flint-stone's bowling ball."

"Oh, yeah, well, coins flip."


"I meant to say it's what up top that counts!"

"My gag reflex is back."

"You mean-"

"The whole factory is shut down muchacho."

"Fuck me."

"I think I just clearly explained why that is not going to happen."

"But I've initiated the launch sequence. There is no shut down code. The beast must be fed!"

"What about your w-"

"Don't even, I can't believe you would suggest that. But hey, wait a minute."


"You have a sister don't you."

"How would that work? Her name isn't even Mary"

"I'm groping for straws here. I mean it wouldn't be like I was cheating, you could be there too."


"You know, she could tell you how its going, you could live vivaciously!"


"However you like, it's your life. But really think about it, you solve this mess you've created and your sister would be forever in your debt. I know she's never had anything like me."

"Well she has been really pissy lately...I'm pretty sure she's not getting any...I guess...hmmm"

That was the great thing about this chick, she had temporarily become a thinking creature, sure maybe it was just the preggers hormones offsetting the normal female hormones, but somehow they had cancelled each other out for the last few months and she was actually thinking straight and I was like, you know, wow, I could be on to something here you see? That's what I was thinking as she reached for her cell phone and started sexting her sister for me by proxy.

"I can't believe I'm doing this."


"Pimping my little sister for the married guy I'm tramping with."

"I told you I'd take you places you never been before."

She shook her head. Then it hit us. Her smile was just a half second behind mine. Her eyes sparkled "You know-"

"Damn straight I know! Tucker Max never did this!"

"Oh you are so the man"

"Oh I am writing this up! I mean, you know, um, after I do uh, what's her name again?"

"Do you need it for the story?"

"Nah, I got enough."

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