Scatman

By GREG MAFFETT | Published: November 29, 2010

Scatman, aye, Scatman gotta go. Stick and move, stick and move. Gotta go, gotta go. Can't stand still.

Scatman he play the Bay, aye laddie. They love Scat up Bay way, slapping hands, jump slapping happy they hear the Scatman play his fiddle. Love Scatman. Love him, they do. He come all the way from Scotland to play them fine dancin tunes from the Highlands. Ah love him, they do so. True, true, they do.

But Scatman gotta scat. Back south, gotta go, gotta go. More hands to slap, more hearts to lift. That's why, that's why the gud lawd ever made a Scatman first place.

Up early, up early. Driving south, driving fast, that's Scat right there. Whoosh past you. Whoosh, whoosh, he gone.

Gotta eat, gotta eat. Mickie D's, MIckie D's you know it's Mickie time. Fast food, Irish Food, no Haggis but that's OK. Real fast, that's Mickie, that's Scat. Fast Mickie most the time. 'Cept down Fresno way, sometimes the gud people they get slow in a hurry down Fresno way.

Very slow, so slow, slowlady. Scatman behind slowlady in line. Slowlady think she eating at the Tavern on the Green? Extra this, none of that, blah, blah, blah. This ain't no NYC. This fastfood in Fresno. Scatfood. Scatman should bump her arse out the drive through, that's what Scatman should do.

But he don't do. He waits. Tae, will they wait in the southland he wonders? They need their Scat, those poor men and women. It ain't right, no laddie, it ain't right this slowlady. Scatman never gonna play for her.

Scatman food is cold. First no Haggis, now cold Irish food to boot? Got the number one, large coffee. Lot's of coffee, that keep the Scatman moving don't you know?

Scatman eat fast to make up for slow food. Food is nae warm, terrible cold it is thanks to slowlady. Holds it in front of the car heater, Scat did, heat that cold food up, that what Scatman thinking. But it was too late. Too late.

Slowbugs they jimmied into that food. No, sir, not even a single wee turn for the Scatman this morn. Scads of slowbugs crawled in that food, made a home they did. Scatman don't do slow, nu huh. Scatman belly fighting them slowbugs. Powerful angry he is at those slowbugs.

His belly start yelling at those bugs "Gerofft" he yell. They start yelling back, quite a commotion, quite, quite. Ow mamick, the cattle, the cattle by the road, ooo-weee, they smell up the air, smell it up they do. Oh those cattle smells, smellin up the fine German car. That's the truth. There is nowt to be done about it.

Time moving ever so slow now. The hands on his watch will not go forrit, not budging. Slow time is not Scat time, no sir it is not. These slowbugs is killin Scat, he sees another Mickie D's. Another one, just like the other other one. He pull in thinking he gonna ask about returning that breakfast. $5.58 US dollars and a belly full of slowbugs? No thank you, sir or ma'am, that's what Scatman gonna say.

He go in to see about what they call a holiday exchange. It's Black Friday, you see, they do this in America, he hear tell back home. Everyone else does take backs. This fast food, espresso food now. Scatman gonna go see about giving the food back. But the office that does the take back's is all full up. Oh Gor! This will not answer, not atall. Scatman cross the way, sees a Starbucks. Go in, they chase him out. Taint giving refunds to Mickie D's is what he hears said.

Oh precious lawd, the slowbugs is paining Scatman something awful. Oh dear lawd, let that office be open now! Oh, Gor merciless Gor. Still closed. They nothing Scat can do. It's like the good lawd with no room at the Inn. And no manger either. Just like that. Maybe its always that way 'round the holy days. It didn't matter. Nothin he could do now, just start on the car.

Scatman no fool. He's been schooled up Edinburgh way. Force equals mass time 'celeration. He was schooled in that, he ken that, Scat did. The force was moving the mass clear down his right pant leg. Lawdy all the way into his shoe it was moved by that force. Good thing Scat was wearing sturdy leggins. He was sweel good and sound he was.

Scat was nowt anywhere a hurry now. Shameful, shameful time to hing his head. He look up, see a place way, way down the road. There some bushes there. He pop out his car. Lawdy it is one mess those slow bugs make of it, there was no crying back this one.

Scat got out those jeans, got a towel out the car, got the worst of it off. Wasn't no water there, not a bonney place to clean up, but it was better. Better arf he was than before. Sorry Scat standing there alongside the road in his tee shirt and nothing else. It's 28 degree outside on the American scale. Scat didn't seem to care.

He going be driving rest of the way with 40 head of cattle in his car. No hurry now. But he gitt some pants out the back, leg them on just in time it turns out. Nother lady come up the road side just then. Oh Gor, she come any sooner Scat shakes his head at what a roosh she have. She come any sooner she sees the needle and the damage done, true lassie. Nae woman should see that.

Well now hold on a wee moment. Scatman thought some more on that last thought. There is one woman should see that.

Where was that slowlady?



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